Ly Thai To; Hanoi, Vietnam | September, 2018
Credit: Biyang Wang
I landed in Vietnam around 2 PM in the afternoon. After arriving at my accommodations around 4 PM, I looked around my new surroundings in an out-of-body experience type of way.
I immediately logged on to the WiFi and turned on the air conditioning, as the heat and humidity were smothering in this new apartment. I slid open the balcony door to feel the air and stepped back inside immediately. As I attempted to unpack my basic necessities, I noticed that in a matter of seconds, my legs, arms, feet, and neck all began itching. Mosquito bites. I literally had 10 at the very same time—or what felt like it.
I needed mosquito repellent, but I forgot to get cash at the airport, and my phone was running on 10% battery. I recalled the street markets on my drive in and wondered how ATMs, currency exchanges, and convenience stores worked—if they even existed nearby. I looked up the recommendation guide and cross-referenced the addresses on Google Maps. I got to a currency exchange right before closing, since my debit card was not working at that particular ATM machine.
After almost two hours, I finally got my hands on some mosquito repellent and anti-itch cream. I sat down in my room and wondered, what have I gotten myself into? Four months in Southeast Asia? It was only day one, hours in, and I was already rethinking my decision.
That evening there was a meet-and-greet with the group, and that’s when it occurred to me that at any point I could have messaged my program leader, or other people in the group who had already landed, for some help. Or isn’t that the purpose of traveling with a group of 34 people from around the world, with the support of a local city team?
But this was typical me. No matter how uncomfortable I am, even if I am in an entirely foreign country, out of money, out of battery, and low on energy, it does not occur to me at all to reach out for help. Story of my life.
Internalized Beliefs
Growing up, I was encouraged to be independent. Or more precisely, I was chided when I was “needy”—i.e., asking for toys, complaining in any way, or taking up adults’ time. I grew up with a sense of shame around asking for help, because I equated it with weakness and incapability.
It’s a positive thing in many ways. It’s what has made me successful—that drive to always figure something out, to get to the very depth of things on my own first. So I’ve learned a lot of firsthand lessons and figured out a lot of tips and tricks on my own. Firsthand learning integrates better into memory and is more effective at building skills than passively learning from others. It’s always about the application.
But it’s also a general mindset that I approach life with. It carries over from my professional life to my personal life, and it does affect my relationships, which I only realized later.
Trust goes both ways. I say to friends that, “You can trust me to be there when you need me.” I believe that everyone should have someone who, when you are really in need of support, can say, “Okay, let me finish up and I’m right there.” They will drop their tasks when you say that you need them—instinctively, willingly, and lovingly.
But on the other hand, when the other person tells me that I can do the same and that they will be there for me, I never actually call. Somehow, I don’t even know what to say.
A Different Perspective
But I realized the other day that if it were me—if I told a friend that I am here for them, never heard back, and then later found out they had struggled through a whole ordeal—I’d feel a bit left out and a bit resigned that I was not the person they thought of in a time of need. So the next time, I might offer my assistance less, or be less outspoken about my support.
Plus, this perpetuates a negative script in my head that I “have no one to support me.” Because I am pushing other people away, others are less likely to offer help because they don’t want to intrude. And then I tell myself this other narrative that keeps me isolated.
But that’s the very opposite of what I want. Because I am someone who wants people to give me the truth. I want real connection, not polite distance.
So what I’ve done is tell my friends, peers, and mentors that I do struggle with asking others for assistance. Sometimes it’s not that I don’t need help or that I don’t trust them to show up—it’s that it simply does not come naturally to me. And maybe I’m a pain in the ass because I won’t ask for help, but I would genuinely appreciate it if people checked in on me or asked now and then. And even then, I may decline—but I need some help getting started.
And I realize that making this declaration is, in itself, my way of asking for help. This is pretty meta, but it’s asking for help with how to ask for help.
That Inner Voice
So what are some of the unhelpful self-talk, fears, and anxieties behind why I do not reach out for support? Here are some:
- Fear of rejection — that the other person will think my request is trivial or roll their eyes and feel that it’s inappropriate.
- Fear of appearing weak — more internal, but the fact that I’m reaching out means I’m lacking, that I’m not “enough,” and I don’t want to be a deficient person.
- Other people may let me down — they won’t put much thought into helping me, or they’ll brush me off, and then I’ll have to deal with the painful dynamic in our relationship.
- Habit — my brain is just not wired to know when it’s no longer productive to sit by myself trying to figure things out that may be easily addressed if I just asked the right person. Sometimes that person is simply someone in a similar situation, like other entrepreneurs or people who have been there before.
- Resistance to change — I’m so used to protecting my heart that I’ve built walls around myself and don’t let others in. Asking for help means slowly taking down some of those barriers, which means getting out of my comfort zone.
- Feeling insecure and in denial — I’m going to be that person who doesn’t need help at all. Even though I’ve heard many people—especially successful people—say that it’s important to have a strong team around you, personally and professionally, I want to be the special exception to the rule.
- Not wanting to overstep boundaries — feeling guilty about asking for someone else’s time, energy, kindness, or resources. I worry about “bothering” people and that they’ll feel obligated to help because it’s hard to say no.
- It’s not that bad… – struggling to find balance and navigate the gray areas, it’s hard to gauge when I’m struggling until it gets REALLY bad.
Taking Responsibility
In the end, it’s still on me. It’s my responsibility to identify what I need and to find ways to get that. It’s admitting my strengths and weaknesses and accepting that I am only human—that it’s okay that I’m not perfect, and that the willingness to own my weaknesses is actually a sign of strength. I don’t wait on other people to keep reaching out, because that’s not their job, and people cannot be a crutch.
So how do you know if you need to reframe and examine the way you reach out for support?
Well, if you read my list of reasons and totally resonated with one or a few (or many) of them, laughed along, and paused at a few to say, “Oh yeah, I remember when I did that…”
But then as you got to the end, still chuckling to yourself, thinking, “Oh funny, but I’m fine. I know how to ask for help. Good thing that’s not me.”
…it’s probably you.
Break the Pattern
So what are some small ways to break out of your shell?
- You don’t always have to know everything for sure. It’s okay to admit, “I think I need your help, but I’m not sure exactly what yet. If we could chat briefly, it might become clearer to me. If you’re open to that.”
- Ask for small favors. Let someone hold the door for you. For me, it even extends to feeling guilty that someone is bagging my groceries. You can accept the gesture, say thank you, and recognize that most people enjoy helping others. Let yourself enjoy that small moment of connection.
- Find the deeper meaning. Listening to the ingrained inner narratives is likely automatic. Perhaps you’re not even aware of it in the moment. Change is hard. But if you want to change and live a different life, focusing on the deeper purpose will help you get through the discomfort.
How Far Do You Really Want To Go?
Okay, maybe you don’t need help. You’re already a high performer, above average, and life is “not so bad.” But wait—who are you measuring yourself against? Let’s be honest: if you’re doing everything by yourself, you’re probably not dreaming big enough or pushing your limits enough.
Asking for help doesn’t mean you’re not capable or can’t figure things out on your own. It means that if you have a bigger goal, it makes sense to let people who are best at what they do help you with the things you’re not so great at. This way, you can focus on what you do best and not waste valuable energy. You’re choosing help. You’re wanting support.
If you find yourself thinking, “I don’t think I need help,” it may be that you’re not ready yet to reach for a bigger goal. Getting to the next level means understanding your blind spots, knowing where to conserve your energy, and learning how to maximize your impact.
So maybe the question isn’t, “How do I do everything on my own?”
Maybe the real question is, “Who am I willing to let walk alongside me as I grow?”